The Government - All we want is everything

This is an open Letter from the Federal Government to our citizens. While many of you are finding comfort in our cradle to grave programs, we find it disconcerting that others are rebuking the very thought of Statism? Especially this 4th of July Holiday when citizens celebrate the glory and power of Government. As our brilliant state controlled media has told you repeatedly, you are the ones that chose us. You elected us as Statists to positions of control over you in the great election. You agreed that government knows what’s best for you. Have you forgotten that?
We now need to help you better comprehend the wisdom of your selection. It is obvious to all but the most rebellious among you that the grand experiment in Capitalism has failed. How many of you are wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. The Capitalist system promised you riches beyond measure, yet has it delivered? No! The wisdom of our switch to a centrally planned Statist system is bearing fruit in the great equalization. Were passing new laws every day that tax all who retain over abundant wealth and re-distribute it to our supporters, the citizens of great need.
Yet we constantly hear over the Internet and especially on those miserable AM radio broadcasts that a few of the old guardians of stolen wealth are haranguing us. Why? For liberating the ill gotten gains from the wealthy - to relieve the costs of life for the masses? It’s time to silence these defenders of the old regime and replace them with the tried and true perspectives of the mainstream media who are true believers in our plans. The criticism by these outdated insurrectionists has been discredited by our objective government content review panels such as Media Matters. The time has come for the government to firmly wrest control from these criminals, stopping them from confusing you with their opposition to the wisdom of the Statists you elected.
After all, the Federal Government only seeks to protect you from yourself and those greedy Capitalists. This is why we will be instituting, under the emerging Global Governance of the United Nations, a few needed programs to guarantee your safety. The first is to rid society at large permanently of dangerous weapons. Guns kill people every day and we seek to end this injustice. Every progressive society in the world has banned private ownership of firearms by their subjects. By asking the small minority of gun owners to surrender their rifles, pistols and shotguns, as per the UN small arms treaty, to the proper authorities we are taking a bold step towards mandated health and safety. You elected us to be bold, didn’t you?
In the same vein, we seek to better control the average citizens diet and healthcare. As our great leaders have mentioned, obesity is one of many epidemics we have to solve. We never waste a crisis here in the Federal Government and to that end we will be instituting programs to better control food production. Additionally we will heavily tax any business that sells or promotes foods not specifically approved by our committees of experts. It’s to your benefit to help us become deeply involved in the nation’s food supply and distribution systems so we can better control what your fellow citizens actually put in their mouth.
Fortunately, we were able to finally begin the process of resetting the healthcare system in 2009 from a private, profit driven monster to a proper government run and controlled system. The Government Healthcare programs we launched will eventually provide sensible health services to all for free. By limiting the obscene profits that Pharmaceutical, Medical Device and Biotech companies can generate and re-directing those funds to our supporters benefit, we’re able to take a huge leap forward in creating social justice.
Our extremely brilliant planners have many more policies in the works. The nation’s energy supply has long been controlled by greedy capitalist corporations that produced more toxic side effects than benefits. We need you to focus on oil covered birds in the Gulf, the deaths of Coal miners, and the nuclear meltdown of Three Mile Island while we jettison the old energy industry. The Federal Government is implementing a breathtaking program, called cap and trade. It is designed to take huge sums of unused profits from these energy producers and taxes from gluttonous consumers, to re-distribute them to our trusted leaders in the new green energy movement. Oil, Coal and Nuclear power are to be cast upon the dustbin of history.
Again – thank you for supporting us in the intervention and re-structuring of the Automotive, Financial, Insurance and Healthcare Industries in the last 18 months. We were elected by you to transform the economy of America in a way that was never envisioned by that small cabal of slave owning, wealthy property owning eccentrics known as the Founding Fathers. Rest assured, even with the howls of the citizenry against us, we will not slow down these progressive policies until our final solutions are fully implemented. Again, thank you for empowering us to be your rulers.